A WINNING PERFORMANCE... on your knees.

Due to the high demand of requests for advice in the sack, I’ve decided to write a lil’ blurb on this hot topic.

Some people think it’s pathetic that I have a lower call-back rate after just kissing a guy post-date, than doing the infamous no pants dance. Whatever.

Let me tell you something… all the magazine articles (in Cosmopolitan, Marie Claire, etc.) you’ve read like: “How to Please Your Man” or “100 Ways to Make Your Dude Cum Like a Fire Hydrant” are all, 100% BULLSHIT.

I once read an advice column that said, “when you are going down on a guy, he will like it if you tickle his asshole with your finger. “

If your man is into that, my apologies… but I just think that’s fucking sick. And to be honest, I really don’t want to ruin my manicure with dried feces. OPI and manure is not a particularly winning combo.

Magazines WANT you to FAIL at pleasing your man, and WANT you to humiliate yourself so you’ll buy their shiesty magazine the next month when you are dejected and single. I REPEAT: Inserting your fist, finger, dog biscuit, etc. inside their anus, is CROCK advice.

For starters… you don’t have to be a pro at pleasing your man from the get go. However, we will cover the first step to keeping your man, and keeping him beaming like a San Francisco gay pride parade… THE BLOWJOB.

Personally, I hate giving blowjobs. I hate choking on their shaft, my neck hurts after 5 minutes, and the taste of semen isn’t exactly a strawberry milkshake.
However, I’m fantastic at giving them (I’m a good actress), and I know how to get a BJ done QUICK (which is what we all want, right ladies?).

Cardinal Rules:
(You might roll your eyes at how simple these rules are, however, it’s necessary I need to reinforce).


- I find it easier to blow a dude when he’s standing up and I’m on my knees. If he’s lying down, be aggressive and tell him to stand the fuck up! You are performing the job here, not his ass.
- You don’t have to do jumping jacks and cartwheels before giving head, but act as if you really want to go down on him. A frown will surely make his dick go south.

NOW THE GOOD STUFF:

1) Always keep their dick wet. Spit on it, lick it, put some edible lube on it… dip it in butterscotch… I don’t give a shit, ALWAYS keep it wet and comfortable! Use that tongue!

2) No guy wants to stick his penis in a hallway, that’s why you keep it wet, but use your lips to suction the cock at all times.

3) When you are not keeping your lips glued to his dick, just lick the head , and stroke his shaft gently while staring at him. I know it’s a little uncomfortable looking into his eyes when you have a cock in your mouth… but men love, LOVE, LoVe this.
- This move is also clutch when you neck begins to tire from the bobbing action.
- Warning: Do not do this move for more than 90 seconds, otherwise he’ll get bored and probably stuff his bratwurst or minidog into your throat.

4) ABSOLUTELY DO NOT USE YOUR TEETH!!! We are not cutting, shaving, or chewing carrots here.

5) HANDS ARE KEY in this maneuver. By NO means should your hands not be apart of this process. Stroke the shaft (not in a death grip, and not too loosey goosey). If your hands start to cramp, and/or you’re bored, lightly touch his balls or graze your fingernails in his inner thighs, while he’s still going to town in your mouth.

6) Still bored? Take his dick out your mouth, use one hand to stroke, and start playing with your clit. If his dipstick goes limp, he’s a homo.

7) SWITCH it UP! If he usually cums in your mouth, tell him you want him to cum on your tits, neck, or all over your face. If you decide on the latter, make sure a) you close your eyes and b) it’s the end of the night so your makeup isn’t fucked.

8) When he is shooting a load, play with his sack gently.

9) When the job is done, lick the tip of his cock while still grazing his inner thighs/sack. This is when he is the MOST sensitive, and when he most appreciates a (blow)job well done.


This information may be a tad overwhelming, but have no fear… this is a science. I’ve proved this hypothesis with many experiments.